One Week
by StormAlchemist677
Summary: What would you do if you knew the date of your death? Hitsugaya cuts loose and does everything he wanted to do but was too proffessional to do OOCish, formerly known as shiro677
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach

**Genre:** Black Humor (by this I mean gallows humor not racist humor I am not racist in the slightest)

**Rating:** PG-13

**Characters: **Hitsugaya (OOCish but you'll understand why) Matsumoto Unohana various others

I don't know how sick shinigami can get so don't give me junk about oh they can't get sick because Ukitake has been sick since the beginning of the series, anyway I'll shut up here's the story.

One Week

"Well Hitsugaya-taicho we just got the tests back," said Unohana. Hitsugaya noted apprehensively that she looked somewhat different from normal "What's the problem? Do I need better painkillers or something?" he asked. "I'm afraid not" replied Unohana "these headaches you've been having are not a result of stress or anything like that, I'm afraid you have a growth in your brain." Hitsugaya sat there in shock for a few minutes then he regained his speech faculties "does this mean surgery?" "No it's inoperable"

Hitsugaya nodded slowly not really looking like someone who had just been told he was going to die "so how long do I have?" he asked "after one week you'll sink into a coma" said Unohana "after this you'll have a few days." "A week" Hitsugaya mused "I guess that'll be enough" "we can provide you with a room if you want" Unohana offered "we can make your last week as comfortable as possible." "Are you kidding?" said Hitsugaya "I'm going to die no matter where I am so I'm not going to spend my last week lying around feeling sorry for myself! I'm going to make sure I do everything that I'll regret not doing! I've spent my entire life working my ass off, now I'm going to have some fun… Could you do me a favor? Don't tell anyone about who you don't have to I'll tell them myself." "Alright Unohana replied "are you…?" "Yes I'm sure."


	2. 6 days or Kurotsuchi in pain

6 days left

That day at the Captains meeting everyone except the Commander was shocked when Hitsugaya walked in an hour late grinned at everyone and sat down as though nothing had happened. "Is there any particular reason you're late?" asked Komamura. "I decided to sleep in today" said Hitsugaya cheerfully. Komamura spent the rest of the meeting trying to figure when he had stepped into an alternate reality while Hitsugaya chuckled at his bewildered expression. As the meeting ended Hitsugaya walked up to Kurotsuchi and said "Hey there's something I've been wanting to do for a long time but I was never quite sure how to do it but now I don't really care so…" Kurotsuchi looked at the smaller taicho as though he had taken leave of his senses "What may I ask are you-" he was stopped in the middle of his question by a foot in his oh-so sensitive area. Hitsugaya walked off smirking leaving a gasping Kurotsuchi and several gaping Captains in his wake. Hitsugaya thought over his "to-do before I die list" '1: Cause Kurotsuchi extreme pain and enjoy every minute of it' Check. Kurotsuchi sure made interesting faces.


	3. Yamamoto insulted and a drunk Hitsugaya

Yo watsup everybody! Holy fuck I didn't expect this many people to subscribe I don't have ideas for everything Hitsugaya's gonna do so if you have suggestions please put them under reviews thx guys have fun reading (by the way I have no idea if fuck-bucket is a real insult but I liked how it sounded)

xOx

5 days left

Hitsugaya stood in front of the Soutaicho's door wondering whether he should really do this. 'If I don't do this I'm gonna regret it' he thought, 'but on the other hand I don't want to become a barbeque… ahhhhh what the hell.'

Hitsugaya walked into the Soutaicho's office. "Ah Hitsugaya-taicho is there anything I can do for you?" asked Yamamoto. "No sir" replied Hitsugaya "actually there was something I wanted to tell you… you are a gay annoying senile old fuck-bucket." Yamamoto stared, he had kinda been expecting one of those, 'its an honor and a pleasure serving with you' speeches, the last thing he had expected was to be called a fag even if it was true.

Hitsugaya walked out with a satisfied smirk on his face 'Item 2: Tell Yamamoto exactly what he thought of him' Check. Now to move on to Item 3.

xOx

Bayakuya Kuchiki sat at his desk doing an amount of paperwork that only on other anal retentive taicho was known for doing. He sighed and rubbed his temples his squad was particularly annoying today. They had been in and out of the office until he threatened to go bankai on the next person who set foot in here. To top that off it was about a hundred degrees in here and the heat was driving him crazy. He finally succumbed to his body's needs and stood under the AC vent… only to receive a very large amount of blue paint splattering onto his head.

Hitsugaya heard Byakuya make a very uncharacteristic and loud noise, and knew his mission was accomplished. Now to get out of here and go bust a gut laughing, he was certain Byakuya would be even deadlier with blue hair than normal. Item 3: Give Byakuya a hair coloring. Check.

xOx

Matsumoto and her friends (Renji, Ikkaku, Yumi you get the point) stared in shock as Hitsugaya finished his eighth bottle of sake. "Wow taicho I didn't know you could drink so much" exclaimed Matsumoto, "Why didn't you ever come drinking with us before"

"It'sh not very profeshor uh profesiol… professional that'sh it" Hitsugaya mumbled. "Any particular reason you're doing it now?" asked Renji.

"Yeah gotta do numbah four on my lisht" Hitsugaya muttered sleepily. "Number four?" said Renji. "Yeah drink 'til I passh out did I do it?"

Matsumoto replied "Yeah you did great but what's this list you're talking about?" "It'sh my bucket lisht" said Hitsugaya. "What the hell is a bucket list?" asked Renji. "It's a list of all the things you want to do before you kick the bucket" replied Matsumoto "but taicho why're you doing it now? What makes you think you're gonna die soon?" "Unohana shaid sho" he said as he finally fell asleep.

Four voices were heard throughout Seireitei at that very moment, "WHAT THE FUCK!!!"

* * *

Ooooooh cliffhanger I just couldn't resist… and I was running low on ideas for today so if any of you have got any please tell me


	4. Rock Climbing and Girly Gigais

First of all thank you all for the reviews and ideas Rachel Noelle you are an inspiration to everyone who enjoys embarrassing Hitsugaya _*chuckles evilly*_ anyway here is the newest chapter enjoy everybody and keep those reviews coming.

4 days left

Hitsugaya woke up with such a bad headache he felt inclined to describe it. 'It felt' he thought, 'like Zaraki had taken up residence in his head and was using a sledgehammer on every square inch of skull he could find. Hitsugaya sat up groaning as the sledgehammers went crazy, and found himself two inches away from Matsumoto's face.

"Oh, hi, what are you doing here?' he asked. The reply he got was definitely not what he expected. "I live here" Matsumoto said, "and here take your hangover remedy." Hitsugaya grimaced as he swallowed the liquid which tasted as bad as it smelled, which was something like a mixture between old socks and rotten vegetables.

"Now" Matsumoto said, "We want an explanation." Hitsugaya looked around and saw the same crew he had been drinking with the previous night… at least he thought it was the previous night. "An explanation about what?" he asked. "Don't give us that crap!" Renji said irritably "what's this shit you gave us last night about dying and all that?!!"

"Well Renji has been as tactful as always" commented Matsumoto shooting Renji a glare "but we would like to know what you meant last night."

"I said that huh?" Hitsugaya said "Well yeah I'm gonna die in about 4 days, which is also why I've been acting differently than normal in case you're wondering." "Wow, so what are we doing next?" asked Matsumoto. "We're going to the real world for some- wait what do you mean we?" "Well you don't expect us to let you spend your last days by yourself do you?" Matsumoto replied "but before we go anywhere we should do something about all that paperwork you've been leaving unfinished. Hitsugaya smirked "I've got the perfect idea."

xOx

The third seat of tenth division sat at his desk filing his 500th form of the day wondering what had gotten into the taicho the past few days. Suddenly said taicho walked up to his desk with a large bag in one hand. "Good morning taicho what's with the bag?' he asked. "Oh this is just something I need you to take care of" Hitsugaya replied dumping the bag on the unfortunate third seat's desk, "get this done as soon as possible." The third seat stared at the mountain of paper that had so recently been a desk, and then unberied his phone and dialed." Hello? Yeah no date tonight I just got buried under paperwork sorry.

xOx

Matsumoto stared up at Hitsugaya she had never thought she would see him in anything so casual as cargo pants and a T-shirt, but then again she never thought she'd see him climbing a 300 foot tall rock… without a helmet. "Taicho are you sure this is safe" she called up. "You worrying about safety Matsumoto?" he yelled back laughing "now I think I've seen everything."

xOx

A few hours later they collapsed at the top of the rock totally exhausted. "Hey do you feel that?" asked Renji. "A hollow" said Hitsugaya "well I don't feel like fighting it you guys do it." "But do we have-" "Yes you have to!! Get outta here!!" Renji Ikkaku and Yumichika ran to fight the hollow before Hitsugaya could freeze them to the rock, however if they had looked back they would have seen a very nasty smirk on his face.

xOx

Ikkaku walked back grinning "that was fun huh guys? Wish all are fights were that good." Renji stretched "yeah that was a pretty good workout lets find that rock so can get a drink, I bet Rangiku brought some sake."

They got back to the rock to find there gigais covered in makeup and braids. Renji screamed at the sight and Ikkaku practically passed out. "What the hell is this!" they screamed. "What are you talking about?" Hitsugaya asked innocently. "Why are our gigais all… all girly!?" they wailed. "Actually I don't think they look so bad" Yumichika mused. "SHUT UP YA FAG!!" Ikkaku and Renji screamed, "I'll fucking kill him!" Ikkaku yelled chasing after Yumichika. Meanwhile Hitsugaya and Matsumoto completely forgotten, laughed helplessly as the three idiots chased each other around in circles. "Maybe we should leave and take their gigai's clothes with us." Matsumoto suggested. "That's evil" said Hitsugaya grinning "let's do it."

xOx

Ikkaku Renji and Yumichika got back to Soul Society six hours later only after breaking out of a jail cell where they had been put for indecent exposure. "Indecent exposure my ass" Renji griped. "I'll say" Yumichika responded "your ass is something nobody should have to see."

Matsumoto and Hitsugaya stood just out of sight listening to their griping and fighting and trying not to laugh. "Should we tell them who did it?" asked Matsumoto "Naah this is much more fun" said Hitsugaya "Let's see rock-climbing and make Ikkaku Renji and Yumichika go crazy, check."


	5. Things They Didn't Need To Hear

3 days left

After the unfortunate incident during which the idiot trio was imprisoned for indecent exposure Hitusgaya was beginning to wonder if there was anything he wouldn't do, that question answered, albeit indirectly, by Matsumoto. "Hey Toushiro" (by this time she had stopped calling him taicho, and frankly he couldn't care less) "you know what you should do next you should streak through all of Seireitei." Hitsugaya looked up in shock not entirely sure he had heard her right "What… the… hell… did you just say? You know what, no! Don't even answer all I know is I heard my name and 'streaking' in the same sentence and it is NOT gonna happen."

Matsumoto looked slightly crestfallen by the proclamation though truth be told it was more for the fact that she wouldn't see it. "Aw but Toushiro it's something you'll regret not doing you should definitely do it." "Matsumoto" Toushiro said giving her his trademark glare "it is something that _you'll _regret me not doing. I have never streaked and it is not something I ever plan to do." "Well if you're not going to streak what are we gonna do today?" Matsumoto asked looking eager again. "Today" said Toushiro giving her his evil smirk which was becoming more common by the minute, "we are going to tell people things they were never meant to hear…"

xOx

Matsumoto remembered the day she first met her taicho. Specifically she remembered thinking he had the potential for a very nasty sense of humor. But as the years went on and he showed no sense of humor nasty or otherwise she dismissed her notions, it was only after he told her the plan for the day that she decided her first impressions were right and the jokes he had been pulling were not because of her influence. The first stop was sixth division…

xOx

"Hey Renji watsup?" said Toushiro as he walked into the office. "With all due respect Hitsugaya-taicho get out I don't wanna talk to ya I'm never gonna live down that crap from yesterday." Renji replied sulkily. But Toushiro was far more manipulative than Renji gave him credit for, he pulled a hurt face and said "Well fine I took the time to come here and tell you something important even though I don't have a lot of it left but if you hate me that much…" "Ah! Never mind I'm sorry I just woke up badly this morning what was it you wanted to tell me" Renji said sounding panicky, the only thing that could make him feel as guilty as a crying woman, was someone dying thinking he hated them.

'Wow he's good!' thought Matsumoto as Toushiro whispered something to Renji 'I never thought he was that devious.' "He WHAT!!!" Renji screamed in utter panic. "He's got a crush you, I'm telling you" Toushiro said gleefully. Renji was far too panicked to notice how hard the diminutive captain was trying not to laugh "I'm not gay!!" he wailed "I'm not! I would never go out with a guy and even if I would I would never go out Kuchiki-taicho!" "Well I just thought you should know. See ya!" And Toushiro left Renji to wonder how soon he would have to tell Byakuya no and face the wrath of Senbonzakura.

"Hey Toushiro, does Kuchiki-taicho really have a crush on Renji" asked Matsumoto.

Toushiro shrugged "I have no idea but I think the reactions are worth it don't you?" "Soooo who's next?" Toushiro smiled.

xOx

"So Hitsugaya-taicho we are all curious as to why you asked for this meeting not to mention why third seat Madarame is here" said Yamamoto. "Well soutaicho" Hitsugaya replied "this meeting is mainly because we are three captains short of the full compliment." "Believe it or not Hitsugaya-taicho I remember how to count I'm not so senile as that" Yamamoto commented sarcastically no doubt remembering the episode in the office.

"Anyway soutaicho we have a potential new captain, Madarame Ikkaku has achieved bankai" said Hitsugaya thoroughly enjoying the look of horror on Ikkaku's face. "Is that so" mused Yamamoto "well in that case Madarame will have to take the captain's exam."

"But" protested Ikkaku "I don't wann-" Yamamoto cut him off before he could go any farther "It's an order!!" he boomed. Ikkaku moaned with a look on his face that so obviously said 'what did I do to deserve this?'

xOx

"Well this is the last stop of the day" Toushiro said. "Eleventh division what are we doing here?" Matsumoto asked looking bewildered "who are we gonna-" "just wait and see okay?"

"Hey Kenpachi how're ya?" Toushiro drawled meanwhile Matsumoto wondered how Toushiro managed to sound lazy and relaxed one minute then strict and formal the next. "No' bad" replied Kenpachi what's goin' on? if ya wanna complain about the noise again then you can shove it up ya-"

"Don't worry it's nothin' like that" Toushiro cut him off "actually there was somethin' I thought you should know about." "What's that?" Kenpachi asked curiosity getting the better of him. Toushiro leaned closer and said in a conspiratorial tone "Now if anyone asks you didn't hear this from me okay? But I heard from a guy in my division, who heard from a guy in eighth, who heard from a guy in sixth that Kuchiki-taicho has been lookin' at Yachiru an awful lot lately."

Zaraki lost it right there "That pretty-boy taicho I'll kill 'im!!!" "Wait c'mon don't kill him just give him a good warning after all it's only lookin' right?" Hitsugaya said frantically. "Fine" snarled Zaraki "I'll cut off his limbs castrate him and leave him to… expire how's that?" Toushiro shrugged "good enough I suppose, well see ya I got a busy tomorrow." "Yeah see ya" Zaraki replied distractedly.

xOx

"That was fun" said Rangiku "but I thought you told Renji that Byakuya was gay?" "Did I say that?" Toushiro asked rhetorically "no, I only said Byakuya had a crush on him he might be bi you know." "So what'll we do tomorrow?" Rangiku asked. "Besides avoid Ikkaku? I'll figure something out but I know this much by the time we're done Seireitei will be a madhouse."


	6. I'm going to miss this

2 days left

Toushiro let out a yawn as he got up 'damn, it's amazing how relaxed dying makes you' he thought 'so what to do today?'

Matsumoto walked up the street to Toushiro's apartment, it was a little odd that she hadn't seen him yet, after all it was almost noon, but then he had probably decided to sleep in or something.

Toushiro heard the knock on the door and went to get it he opened it and found unsurprisingly Matsumoto.

"Oh hi" he said "sorry I just got up give me a minute while I get dressed." "Okay" replied Matsumoto "I'll just wait in the living room shall I?"

Toushiro walked off to get dressed. Matsumoto sat in the living room a couple of seconds but got bored very quickly, well the streaking idea hadn't really worked so, might as well try something else. She walked over to his door and tried her best to peek through the crack but no matter what strange angles she contorted herself into she could not see anything through the crack except a sliver of light. Just as she found an extremely uncomfortable position where she could actually get a good view… the door opened. Her first thought was 'Oh shit' her second was 'how soon is he going to kill me?' and her third thought was 'all that trouble and I didn't even get to see anything!'

Toushiro looked at his fukutaicho in some puzzlement and said "Matsumoto what the hell are you doing?"

Matsumoto still not moving from her position tried to figure out an answer that would not lead to a violent death "Uuuuhhhh… yoga!! I'm doing yoga." She was not sure just how believable that was and Toushiro was giving her a very odd look. "So… you're doing yoga in front of my door huh? Any particular reason for that location?" he asked.

Matsumoto knew she was in the clear because Toushiro obviously wanted to believe her no one in their right mind would believe she was doing _yoga_,now all she had to do was come up with a reason for the location. "Uuuuuuhhhh… your doorway exudes positive energies and stuff and it's very relaxing."

Okay Toushiro had to admit this was quite possibly the worst lie he had ever heard in his life. But he did have to give her points for creativity. There was only one reason he could think of for her current location and position, but that was probably just wishful thinking so he dismissed it as such. "Well" he said "I couldn't really think of much to do today so I thought we could just relax and talk if you want."

"That sounds nice" Matsumoto said "but first I'll be right back I gotta get something." Unsurprisingly she returned with a large amount of sake "Look" she said "I know you're not really into sake but think of it as a conversation enhancer, a little bit of this and you can talk about things you never considered talking about in your life!"

Toushiro stared at the sake balefully "That's what scares me about it" he muttered.

But despite his initial misgivings Toushiro went through a couple of bottles in as many hours and soon they were laughing and joking and generally looking like the friends they really were.

xOx

Several hours later Toushiro sighed as he put down his fifth bottle "I'm really going to miss this" he said.

"What do you mean?" asked Matsumoto, all of a sudden he looked miserable, and to her surprise seeing him like that, hurt worse than Gin leaving ever had.

"I mean I'm going to miss seeing you everyday, I'm going to miss you being late, coming in hung-over, giving me those damn hugs, you saying something so totally crude that I- oh for god's sake I love you! There I've said it I'm a total idiot!!" he finished looking exasperated with himself.

Matsumoto looked at him a little teary-eyed "Toushiro I love you too" she replied.

"You don't have to say that just because you don't want to hurt me or something, I know that I'm too… young for you you're probably interested in guys much older than me" he said irritably.

Now Matsumoto was getting irritated "look you stubborn frosty midget idiot" she said angrily "I love you, just because you're so insecure you think everyone will reject you doesn't mean you should be an ass! And before you ask for proof I'll give you proof!" and at this point she kissed full on the mouth.

For a moment Toushiro sat there in shock first of all that _she_ was yelling at _him_ then he realized she was kissing him! He responded instinctively, most of his brain seemed to have turned itself off but the one part that was still functioning was liking this a lot. When she finally withdrew he was panting but very happy.

Matsumoto held out a hand "Come on" she said seductively "I know a couple of games I can teach you inside."

Toushiro thought about it a moment then decided ah what the hell, he had wondered what getting laid was like but he really had not been expecting this. Still it was definitely not unwelcome.

A couple of hours later as they were falling asleep he reflected that he was glad the neighbors had been out apparently judging from the crowd that had gathered outside to see who was screaming he and Matsumoto were quite loud.

* * *

sorry i'm not good at writing lemon i did my best on that on please review


	7. Epilogue

Well I had a hell of a time writing this but unfortunately this is the final chapter enjoy

1 day left/Epilogue

Hitsugaya woke up to knocking on the door he wondered tiredly who that could be, he got out of bed and started toward the door before remembering the events of the previous night and deciding not to show all of soul society what he looked like naked. He took a moment to get dressed and the knocking continued, damn whoever the hell it was they were very impatient. He started toward the door again as Matsumoto called groggily at the person to shut up and let her sleep. Toushiro opened the door to one of the last people he had expected, it was Yamada Hanatarou from fourth division.

"Good morning Hitsugaya-taicho" he said amazingly enough taking no notice of Matsumoto's calls for Toushiro to come back to bed "I have some news that should make you quite happy. It turns out that somebody mixed up the X-rays and gave Unohana-taicho the wrong one the X-ray she looked at was for someone else your X-ray gives no indication of any growths, instead your headaches were brought on by stress and overwork and the best way to get rid of them would be to relax every now and then."

"Then that means I'm not going to die?" Hitsugaya asked incredulously.

"No" Hanatarou replied "you're just fine. I have to get back to the division so see you later taicho ."

Hitsugaya walked back into the bedroom again stunned by the sudden turn of events "Rangiku" he said numbly "I just found out I'm fine I'm not going to die."

Matsumoto sat up immediately "That's great news" she said enthusiastically "it would have been kinda depressing if your first time was your only time."

"Yeah" he said "that really is great… wait a minute… OH FUCK!!! I'M STILL DEAD!!!!"

xOx

Hitsugaya didn't really need to worry about being murdered. Byakuya and Zaraki were actually happy with him, thanks to what Toushiro told Zaraki, Byakuya and Yachiru were married in a month. And Byakuya never heard about what Toushiro told Renji after the marriage Renji realized his leg had been pulled… again. Yamamoto didn't really care about being insulted all he cared about was the efficient running of the Gotei 13 and if the captains didn't respect him that was just too bad. Renji and Ikkaku knew better than to come within ten feet of Toushiro, if they tried anything there would be a gruesome double murder by the victim's new girlfriend and they didn't want to find out how getting ripped apart by Haineko felt. As for Kurotsuchi he figured since he planned on using Toushiro's brain for disgusting and disturbing experiments after he did die that vengeance would be had later.

However Toushiro didn't know this and so spent the next six months hiding in dark alleys wondering why everyone was laughing at him for doing it. When he found out he wasn't in danger at all and that Matsumoto had known this he tried to kill her but when she offered him makeup sex he decided that was a far better idea. After all if he killed her there wasn't anyone in Seireitei anywhere near as hot as she was


End file.
